For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.

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I can't sleep. Big comfortable bed AND A/C and I still can't sleep. I haven't stopped thinking about the condo.

Things I've been thinking about:

1. Usually when you first start a job, you go through one full pay cycle before your first pay check. This is cool because your first pay check is bigger (maybe up to 3-4 weeks of pay instead of 2). This is not cool because I'll owe rent on the 1st of July and probably will not have gotten paid yet.
2. I'm officially in the apartment starting Wednesday (June 15th). Ed said (ha!) that his roommate might not be finished clearing her stuff out of the condo until the FOLLOWING Wednesday. I don't really like that considering that I'm paying for 1/2 of the month, but as long as I have MY room cleared out so I'm able to CLEAN, unpack all my stuff and create my own little world in my own little room, I can deal with that. I just better have full and untethered access to the room (and bathroom!) that I'm paying for ... the rest of the condo can just sorta go to hell for the rest of July.

Am I being a prick for acting all gestapo about lease terms and move in dates and what I expect? I consider myself to be a generally laid back, easy going guy ... ah well.

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dang, I've been doing a pretty terrible job of keeping my blog updated. I've always thought it was funny how everyone starts these things and then they don't keep them up ... I lasted, what?... 4 or 5 entries??

Well I feel like I have a decent excuse. At lot has happened since my last post, and between now and then I've probably spent about 20 minutes at a computer. So when I say I 'haven't had time to update,' I really mean it. I WILL be a faithful blogger though, I promise. I WILL faithfully update thise blog or I WILL shave my right eyebrow off.

and i'll update with a sans-right-eyebrow photo of myself to prove it. :-)

Here's a brief recap of what's happened since my last post:

Tuesday (May 31)

1. I got up early to finish moving a few remaining things out of my apartment.
2. I interviewed for a job in Darien, CT.
3. I drove to MA.
4. I unpacked a ton of stuff.
5. I flew to Illinois.
6. I met up with Bryan in Midway airport.
7. We joked around and acted like assholes for several hours.
8. I drank a bunch of beers.

Wednesday (June 1)

1. Woke up about 10:30
2. Went to "Taco Station" with Bryan for lunch. (That name is even lamer than "Taco Loco")
3. I received a phone call from Brenda Saez, PHR, Director of Human Resources at Jupitermedia.
4. Too scared to answer I listened to her voicemail message, requesting that I call her back.
5. I convinced myself to stop freaking out and called Brenda Saez, PHR, Director of Human Resources at Jupitermedia, back.
6. I GOT HER VOICEMAIL
7. I waited 20 minutes and called again. I GOT HER VOICEMAIL AGAIN CONSARN IT!
8. I e-mailed Victor, (my friend who used to work at JM) to see if he knew what was going on.
9. He e-mailed me back and said, "Just call her back."
10. I called again. SHE ANSWERED HER PHONE!
11. She asked if she could call me back in 10-15 minutes.
12. I pissed myself.
13. She called back.
14. She offered me a job with a desirable salary.
15. I played it cool while I continued to thoroughly drain the contents of my bladder.
16. I called parents, pumped my fists and yelled "YES!," just like Napoleon Dynamite.
17. I took a bus to US Cellar Field.
18. I watched the Sox play baseball from an amazing VIP suite while drinking some beers.
19. I traveled all around Chicago finding more places to drink some beers.
20. I rode in a really nice limo which took us all back to Bryan's neighborhood. During this ride I drank several beers.
21. I (all of us) peed in the bushes outside of some well lit grocery store.
22. We went to a bar near bryan's house, where I drank another beer and several more shots.
23. We went back to Bryan's house and I made sure that he found his bed.
24. I spent the next 20 minutes checking to make sure that his keys were there and the front door was locked. (yes those 2 things took me 20 minutes.)

Thursday (June 2nd)

1. I slept most of the day due to the large number of beers that I drank the day before.
2. I woke up and went into bryan's office to play some half life 2. :-)
3. I checked on bryan to make sure he was not blue and still breathing.
4. I went back and kicked some more black mesa butt.
5. Bryan woke up and we watched tv for a couple hours and talked about the night before.
6. Bryan puked.
7. We went to the mall to pick up our tuxes.
8. It started raining.
9. We drove to the Tweeter Center (or something) to watch a Dave Show.
10. It started raining harder.
11. We all laughed in disgust while watching two 17 year olds in front of us make out and grope each other.
12. (Most of us were secretly jealous)
13. The rain stopped.
14. I didn't drink any beers because they were too expensive.
15. DM played "All Along the Watchtower." It was great.
16. We left and went home.

Friday (June 3th)

1. We slept most of the day.
2. We woke up and went to the church for rehearsal.
3. We had rehearsal.
4. We went out to eat some really good pasta.
5. Bro, Melissa, Brant and I went out for ice cream.
6. I stayed up most of the night helping brant fix his computer.

Saturday (June 4th)

1. I woke up at about 9:30 and got dressed for wedding photos.
2. People started showing up.
3. The camera guy arrived and the best man was late. :-)
4. The best man finally arrived and pictures began.
5. It was really hot.
6. Bryan and I left for the church where we hung out for a lonnng time.
7. Bryan and Nicole were wedded.
8. It began raining really freaking hard.
9. We traveled to Bryan's parents house.
10. It began raining a lot freaking harder.
11. We arrived at Bryan's parents house and enjoyed crackers and cheese and beer.
12. It started hailing and the wind was crazy.
13. The power went out.
14. We escaped to the reception hall.
15. I fixed my tie and was introduced in front of 500 people.
16. I sat in the middle of the front table and stared at a million people, many of which were also staring at me.
17. I ate some really good food at made idle chat with the two pretty girls that sat at my left and right.
18. I drank a long island ice tea.
19. I drank another.
20. Music started playing.
21. People started dancing.
22. I drank another.
23. And another.
24. I felt sentimental.
25. Then I "danced."
26. Packed up my tux.
27. Found Brant and Melissa
28. Brant drove us home while we all talked about God.
29. I went to sleep.

Sunday (June 5th)

1. Brant woke me up at 7am.
2. I got up WAY too quick.
3. I was VERY dizzy and very confused for most of the ride to the airport.
4. Brant drove up to the skycap 1 hour before departure time and we noticed a verrrry long line.
5. I said goodbye. (6 years after college and a part of me is still afraid of leaving those guys)
6. I went inside and stood in a long but quick moving line and got my boarding pass.
7. I was relieved as this didn't take too long and I thought I might have trouble making it to the gate on time.
8. My relief escaped me as I realized that there was a much LONGER and SLOWER MOVING LINE THAT I HAD TO STAND IN SO THAT I COULD CHECK MY BAG.
9. I walked the 4 miles to the end of the line.
10. I quickly came to the realization that, considering the length of the line and its rate of progress, unless someone intervened I was going to miss my flight.
11. People started freaking out and yelling.
12. I stood quietly, nursing my aching head (exactly what happened last night? something significant?) and let the other frustrated people ensure that I made my 9:35 flight.
13. An announcement was made and I began making my way up to the front of the line while evil glares and snide comments made me want to zip myself up in my oversized suitcase.
14. I made it through security and back to my gate.
15. I flew home, met up with my parents and grandmother and slept.
16. Sleep.

Monday (June 6th)

1. I FRANTICALLY BEGAN LOOKING FOR APARTMENTS IN NORWALK!!!
2. I drove to Connecticut to stay with Tricia.

Tuesday (June 7th)

1. I visited some places in Norwalk and a couple in Westport.
2. No go.

Wednesday (June 8th)

1. Visited more places in Norwalk.
2. Still no go.
3. Found a posting for a pretty nice looking condo in SoNo (the "cool" part of Norwalk)
4. E-mailed the guy.
   

Thursday (June 9th)

1. More visiting, more no go.

Friday (June 10th)

1. More visiting, mostly no go.
2. Condo dude, (Ed) called me.
3. I visited the place.
4. It was cool.
5. We struck a deal.
6. I drove back to MA.
7. I sit here writing this on the parents computer.

So there's an outline of what's happened between now and my last post.

I think it might be reasonable to say that these past couple of weeks have been some of the most significant of my life... one of my good friends got married, and my whole life has changed. I'm at point where I would kill to know exactly where I'll be one week from now and exactly what I'll be doing. 2 weeks ago I was wondering where I would be working once I returned to MA. 1 week ago I was wondering where I'd live. Now I'm wondering what my condo will feel like at 11:12pm next Friday ... and I'm wondering what I'll think of my job after the first week and the very very beginning of the rest of my life has begun. How long will it be before things feel normal again? Maybe this is the new normal?

Advice for all the angsty teenagers in the audience: Hang in there ... it all starts flying by after you turn 20.

p.s. I MISS YOU ZOYA!

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I just left Tricia's house for the last time in the next week or so. It's such a weird feeling to be sitting alone in my mostly packed up apartment at 11:51pm, thinking about my job interview tomorrow morning and then driving home so that I can fly out to Illinois. I have no idea what I'll be getting ready for or what I'll be doing when I get back next monday. And all the memories I have of this apartment and the times I've had here in Connecticut… very strange. Exciting and sad and horrifying and strange.

Being alone at times precisely like this one always feels so significant somehow -- these times when I'm in some strange state of limbo between simultaneous familiarity and feeling like everything seems so completely foreign. These four walls that have become familiar and warm and comfortable for so long lose something that I somehow never believed they could lose... if this place and the memories it holds can be taken away, then what is there that can be permanent? It just feels like some things are too sacred to change, but each time they do and each time I'm surprised at the reality of how quickly it can happen and how alone everyone is. Even when you're sure that you're not alone, day can turn to night in the blink of an eye and eventually it will.

Sorry to be melodramatic. I'm just feeling a bit sentimental and lonely.

This time tomorrow will be much happier. I love everyone that is close to me now and everyone that I’ve known who are in other places. If you’re reading this right now I hope I see you soon.

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yeap, just sittin' here on tricia's couch at 3 am. Just sittin' here playing with her laptop and watching her TV.

I can't sleep. I'm not tired and it's too warm in here. It's always too warm in here. Why is it that every girl I've ever known is constantly cold?? I wonder if there's actually a biological reason behind it. Or maybe it's just a bizarre coincidence that all of the girls I know drive around with their car heaters on full blast until early June.

at least I don't have any problems making myself feel at home.

this game makes me feel stupid:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pearl.shtml

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I'm making some significant progress in finally getting my stuff packed ... or at least it's in a more portable form now. Most of the bigger stuff is already out in my car, so now I'm scratching my head, trying to figure out exactly what I will take home with me and what will end up in Tricia's storage room.

Here's the breakdown:

1. TODAY: Move all of the larger, concrete-storage room-appropriate stuff out to my car. Drive to tricia's house and place said stuff into her concrete storage room.
2. TOMORROW: Figure out exactly what clothes/accessories I will need between now and June 5th (when I get back from Bryan's wedding), and pack all that stuff into my suitcase/carry-on bag.
3. MONDAY: Take whatever is remaining in the apartment (mostly clothes and a few other random things) and put them in my car for safe transport to 75 Chamberlain Rd. Uxbridge, MA where their fate will be uncertain until I figure out: A. when I will officially have a job and B. where the hell I will be living. Survey the apartment for any unexpected moving out activities and make sure that I'm ready to go.
   
4. TUESDAY: Leave my apartment no later than 9am for 10am interview at Jupitermedia (www.jupitermedia.com) This is my second interview and this job is definitely my best prospect at this point. I've got other prospects with W.B. Morgan, the Greenwich Hedge Fund, and a company called Aris, and I'm also in the process of scheduling to meet with the president of the Western Connecticut chapter of SHRM (www.shrm.org) when I return, but those are all sort of follow-up situations so that I don't feel like I'm putting all my eggs in one basket with Jupiter. After I my interview is over I'll drive up to MA, make sure I've got everything I need for 5 days in Illinois, drive to the airport and depart at 6:25pm.
   

It will be at that point that I will forget about all of the stuff that I've been doing for the past 3 weeks and will, instead, focus on my little mini-vacation in Illinois. So far I know that it will involve VIP seats at a baseball game, a dave matthews show, riding around in a jet ski, food, beer and hangin' out with the fellas. Oh and also a wedding and rehearsal and pictures and stuff ... but I guess that's the price you have to pay.

And so... well, at present I'm mighty hungry, so I think I'm gonna grab as much junk as my two arms can carry, run out to my car and drive to Mickey-D's for a couple dollar menu chicken sandwiches and a coke. Then later tonight I have a BBQ to attend, so ROCK

man, I'm so hungry


pic of my gutted (mostly) apartment:



pic of The Dude fighting off some of those god-forsaken nihilists:


what's the deal with those little yellow, green, and red stars on the screen? perhaps they're always there, or perhaps they're..... GHOST ORBS THAT I CAUGHT WITH MY CAMERA!!!

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So I've started another blog. This would be myyyyy... 3rd blog, I think. The others have died and gone. Actually they're probably still out there somewhere but I haven't updated them in months and I don't even remember the URL's.

I wonder if anyone ever reads them. Weird.

So I started this blog because I feel as though I'm at a significant point in my life, the inevitable transition from school to the world of work. I'm 24. Am I justified in feeling a little uncomfortable with the fact that I'm 24 and have yet to have had a "real job"? Well... I am. But only a little. See, I finished high school, went straight on to college. Finished college, went straight on to graduate school. Finished my masters two years later, (which happens to be, well, 2 weeks ago) and FINALLY I'm "prepared" to get a job and start being an adult.

24 years... dang. You figure the average American male lives to what... about 80, give or take?? So that means that when you turn 20, you've already finished 1/4 of your life. I'm 24, so I've lived over one quarter of my life. Over 25% of my life dedicated to socializing, finding Jesus and "preparing" myself for autonomy.

It sort of makes me wonder ... what if scientists could find a way for parents to be able to tansfer all their knowledge, everything that they've learned, experienced and felt into the brains of their new born offspring? And what if it weren't only the parents, but the parent's parents (ahem, grandparents), and the GREAT grandparents ect ect ect?? It seems like such a waste that all living humans are born knowing practically nothing when so much has already been discovered, achieved, realized, written, whatever.

For me the difference would be that I could get my silly HR Generalist job as soon as I developed adequate motor-skills, rather than go to school for 24 YEARS so I can sit behind a desk and tap away at a computer like a chimp, or a.... robot. Or a robotic-chimp.

FRICK. i wonder what I'll be like when I'm 50.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that I decided to start this blog because I feel that I'm at a very significant point in my life (the end of the 'first quarter' and the beginning of the second, if you will).

Here is what's going on.

• I've finished graduate school. I am now the proud owner of a Masters Degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology (MAIO) from Fairfield University.
• I'm looking to begin my career. I've never had a "career" before... I've had many jobs, but no career(s).
• As I write this, I'm sitting in the Southport, CT apartment from which I will be officially kicked out of on the 31st of the month. Where I end up after that is quite vague at this point.
• I've got a girlfriend. Some days I feel that things between us are destined to end. Other days I realize that she's really good for me, and that actually, I really need her. Either way, knowing her is a spectrum reality that runs from feeling annoyed to guilty to uneasy to complacent to peaceful to grateful to loving. Today I'm aaaaaat, grateful. Grateful for all of the wonderful things she does for such an undeserving monster such as myself. Grateful for the realization that any person who truly cares for you is something that you should never, ever, take for granted. And unfathomably grateful for the sight possibility that she MIGHT, MAYBE, REALLY actually need me too.
• Last but certainly not least (I can't believe I almost forgot), Zoya left me. I met Zoya when I first moved to Fairfield, and somehow I fell in love with her. I certainly didn't mean to... it's a risky thing falling in love with a girl who is from any country on the other side of the ocean because well... they might leave.

She left. And what's better?? She's left for Holland to live with her boyfriend who she is in love with and with whom she regularly has sex with. (The thought of the person you're in love with having sex with someone else is such a specific kind of pain.) Yes -- it makes me want to die.

So right now I'm in the midst of looking for a job, figuring out what's going on between Tricia and I, trying to figure out where/how I'm going to live, and inspecting myself for wounds now that Zoya has left for good and the war has ended. <----- THAT is a peculiar sort of feeling. It's kinda like in war movies when a soldier gets shot in the stomach but has to look himself over before he even realizes it. I THINK I'm ok, but somehow I wouldn't be surprised if I look in the mirror tomorrow morning and see an empty pit where my heart used to be.

The adrenaline of it all makes the pain take a little longer to register.

But I insist that where I am right now, is better than being bored. I've officially been in both places, and I think I've decided that I'd rather suffer from an abundance of life rather than a lack of it. -- (Waking Life)

Would you hire this guy?

HAHA, OH YES YOU WOULD!!!

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